When you’re alone for long time, you seem to be self-sufficient. You claim that you don’t lack anything, you don’t need anyone to fill up for your happiness, that you are a whole and another person will not make up for it, that has had a lot of experience in unsuccessful relationships, you know perfectly well what love is and what your perfect relationship should look like.
No, sweetheart. The relationship is not a fairy tale. It’s a hard work over, and it’s up to you to make it perfect.
And thirdly, when you’re alone, you won’t be able to check your love language personally. An element that is very, very crucial in your daily dealings with your partner and that can also be explained „esoterically”.
Let’s go! And I’ll start with myself because you know that it’s easier to start with live examples.
I was in a marriage in prehistoric time. It’s a long novel about how and why I got married, how I got to England and why I got divorced. I was „green”, naive and inexperienced. And most of all, with my ex-husband we had completely different forms of expressing love, which I did not understand at the time. I needed touch, tenderness, closeness, noticing, I needed my space and support against this background. But I loved him enough to push my needs into the background and „somehow it will be„. I was loyal, and this feature kept our marriage on my side.
After the divorce, there were a dozen or so different, short accounts. I was still waiting for the One, and I knew that each of the men I met brought me closer to my proper version because I found a „but” in each one of them, which was later confirmed in my dreams.
And in summer 2018, when I got out of esotericism, when I threw vegan and raw food style, when I found my land and put my thoughts in books, He appeared.
Half year earlier, my Tarot guide said that there is a man in my life, older, very mature, that I already know him, but next to me, personally, he will not appear until later. And that he will have a huge, huge influence onto me, but he said that it would depend only on me if I am ready for further changes.
I had no idea who he was talking about. I didn’t have a complete connection with M, because we knew each other before, on the Internet, „business” and „marketing” stuff, just an ordinary guy, living near me. I didn’t think about any relationship at that time, I barely got out of the previous one, cruelly disappointed.
M kept his acquaintance, asked from time to time how my books, which I haven’t written at all yet. Suddenly, in the summer, our conversations began to take on more special features, day by day. One hot, hot, afternoon Saturday I was bored, and during our conversation, I offered him a „beer” meeting over a halfway. It wasn’t a date, and I made it clear. I had no idea what he looked like. His Facebook profile was blurry. Something was pushing me, and he pulled it too.
Since the meeting, when I was „shot”, and I haven’t even had a good look at him yet – there hasn’t been a day since that meeting that we don’t write every day.
There were no butterflies, no euphoria or excitement. Our beginnings were full of my tears, jerks, steep, deep and heavy as a vice of conversation. His strong rationalism gradually brought me, the mystic person, to an earthly level. We talked about everything and didn’t hide anything, and even if it was only from me – caution and a lack of understanding of me as a deaf woman with a strong spiritual orientation. We gave ourselves many chances and we didn’t miss any. I would calm myself down in layers with him, let go of many things so that I wouldn’t go back to them and talk about them freely and without emotions. I was becoming myself – calm, kind, understanding. It was easy because we quickly discovered that we have common languages of love. And as long as we take care of these languages, it will be good between us.
M gave me this book right at the beginning, I swallowed it in one breath and understood in one moment why my previous relationships didn’t work out. We started to „work” on our relationship right away and with each subsequent meeting, then living together, our perception of each other changed. We didn’t argue, and we are not generally in the habit of raising our voice, there are no reasons. The relationship is supposed to be a mental-emotional asylum, and we brought it to this state by working on each other all the time. Both of us were whole before we met, but only now do we feel and see that together we are somehow more complete.
According to Gary Chapman, we have five languages of love:
- physical contact – touching, being around, hugging, stroking, holding hands;
- affirmative expressions – compliments, words of praise, appreciation, pride, love letters, leaving cards during the day, verbal recognition of anything we do for a person, expressing feelings with a word appropriate for that person (poetry, for example);
- shared time – no matter what we do, it’s essential that we circle each other, not necessarily connected with the language of touch, shared passions, everyday evening conversations, interest in our partner’s problems, and all this by giving up certain things;
- gifts – receiving them, more often in women area, can be expensive perfume, handmade paper flowers, a balloon flight, a pancake in the form of a heart, it is crucial that these gifts are aimed at the needs of the partner and they are thoughtful;
- acts, actions – small repairs at home, voluntary childcare because you want to go nail manicure, taking care of your car, mowing the lawn, going to the pharmacy at 2 am when your head breaks, or for herring until the night, because you are pregnant.
In his book, Gary described a lot of examples of marriages – the fresh ones and those with many years of experience. He also gave a lot of advice on how to save a love-driven marriage and how to cope when two people have different languages of love.
I always said, and I say that love alone is not enough to explain your partner’s bad behaviour. Love came along with hard work on the relationship, and neither of us will inevitably scrape anything hard. Because we’re not young anymore, because we were lonely, we have already become over-lived, we want to rest, and come back home, where we can smell the smell of hot soup, and the light is on, and we just want to talk and complain, and we want to be appreciated, feel needed and have some purpose in this everyday life.
So why jerk around and look for the ideal that exists only in your head? The perfect person comes with time, and just like dreams, it comes true only after hard work on yourself.
And how does esotericism relate to this?
Well, that’s right. You can put the karma here – karma relationships, homework lessons, a lot of catching up.
You meet someone cool. You like him, and he looks attractive, you see yourself having kids with him, but, the guy’s not cuddly, he’d rather see himself in fixing your car than hugging you in while watching romantic comedy. Misunderstanding ready, you’re looking for a hole in the matrix, numerologies and horoscopes why you don’t get along physically and why he’s not as soul mate as you thought he was at first. Karma? Have you met again in this incarnation and are you doing some lessons in interpersonal communication? Or he owes you something and will be useful only in a dozen or so years' time because you will keep in touch with each other out of sentiment and he will turn out to be an ideal marrow donor for your daughter?
Or maybe you have been alone for a long time, and perhaps your parents abandoned you in an orphanage, you don’t know what it’s like to love. And you meet a nice girl, you discover that you like to have fun yourself in the garden and make love night after night, but she sees you as a potential husband and donor of her children, as well as someone who will provide her with a prosperous home. Because she’s also after the orphanage, it seems cool, but the needs are different, and it doesn’t suit you, you don’t want to be a money-box for her life, you’re not a golden hand, and you love horses too much to give up on them for the sake of the house. Learning what? Giving up plans? Learning to have expectations? Getting out of the vicious circle of selfishness and noticing your partner’s passion? Or maybe let it all go and continue the „curse” of unloving and abandoning? Or maybe to break this „curse” and still try to get along and create a home that they both did not have in previous incarnations and this childhood?
Or maybe survive the middle stage of marriage when he comes home drunk and feathers your children’s belts? Or go away? Or fight? Or learn, because your soul wants to experience domestic violence? And then choose what to do with this „fantasy” – read Chapman’s book or go away? Or maybe leave the book for another incarnation under different conditions?
And the soul in general, what does it have to do with the languages of love? Does it exist? Or maybe you choose who you want to be with, who to kiss and who to give yourself to? But hey, you have feelings that are conditioning your behaviour in a relationship or marriage – you are loyal, you will meet your partner’s needs and use his languages of love, forgetting yours? Or maybe you’re mean, and you’ll chase rich men blindly to satisfy your love language by accepting expensive gifts and noticing among others? For what does any numerology have to do with it? Some kind of soul? Ah, bullshit.
It is not without reason that we have such needs in this life, not without cause that we can express our love to others. We learn to understand ourselves, and we learn to understand the difference, we learn to appreciate and notice that love can be shown in seven billion ways.
People love with different energies, and they reach each other at different speeds, they get along at their own time. You can try, you can try, you can understand, you can analyse, but you can never, but never, ever generalise.
We are mirrors for ourselves, and in the other person, we see ourselves – as we want to be or as we do not want to be.
But through exclusion, leaving, lack of motivation to work on the relationship – the mirror we choose most often is
„who we don’t want to be, is not my way of expressing love, it’s not me.”
And we keep on looking, and we keep looking for ourselves in another man. And another.
And the deeper you are looking, the more cautious and distrustful of the world you are – the longer it takes to get to the other person.
But when you let go, when you stop resisting, when you see in him/her the true self – it is a sign that you are at home and you don’t have to look further.
At least for now.
Only now, take care of this mirror – breathe, wipe, wash, often look in it, don’t be ashamed to squeeze out your pimples, sing to it, cry in your reflection, look at yourself with regret and powerlessness. Try to open up, because only with the other person will you be able to accept yourself wholly, with all your days and fears and anxieties.
More about love languages you can read here: Five love languages